Alvin Chronicles Episode 10: Hot Dogs Art Mightier Than Thou Quest
In the Glensoft Skyscraper…
“Patrickov, are you packed?” asked one of the Spetsnaz troopers.
Patrick turned to face the trooper.
“Yes, I am packed. Where is Gunov?” he asked.
“He’s in the back room,” replied the trooper, “interrogating the head of this company.”
“Ah, yes, Glen,” Patrick replied. “If you don’t mind, I’ll go and observe.”
“No, sir, go ahead,” the trooper responded.
Patrick wandered into a smaller room next door. Gunov was in that room, slugging Glen again and again. The captured CEO wheezed, and seemed to be in a lot of pain.
“The old ‘tie a man to a chair and beat him up’ trick, Gunov?” said Patrick.
Gunov turned to face Patrick with a sadistic smile on his face.
“I’m just sending our friend here a little goodbye present,” the captain said.
Patrick yawned. “I’m sorry to say this, Gunov, but we’re going to have to leave now. Peter is waiting for us to get into position.”
“Hold on, then, let me add a little icing to the cake,” Gunov said.
The captain abruptly punched Glen one last time in the face.
“There,” Gunov said, satisfied, “Let’s go.”
Patrick and Gunov began to leave the room.
“What are we going to do with the prisoner?” asked Gunov.
“Don’t worry about him,” replied Patrick. “He’s not going anywhere.”
“No,” interrupted a beaten but unfazed Glen, “YOU’RE not going anywhere.”
Suddenly, Glen pulled a Glock handgun out of nowhere with his mysteriously free hands and fired twice. Gunov recoiled and collapsed. Patrick yelled out a curse as his right arm was suddenly injured.
“Guards! Attack!” Patrick yelled through pain. Glen put one more round into Patrick’s knee.
“Ow!” said Patrick, and the programmer fell.
Two of the Spetsnaz soldiers ran towards the small room, but Glen dispatched them with two quick headshots.
“Headshot! Headshot!” Glen bellowed.
The last soldier quickly raised his rifle and fired off a dozen bursts. Glen sprinted and picked up a random knife on his desk. Now equipped with the knife, Glen suddenly moved three times faster, and agilely maneuvered around behind the soldier. With one swift stroke, Glen stabbed the soldier in the back.
“Backstab!” Glen yelled.
Three more soldiers burst into the room, alert of the commotion. Glen tossed flashbang grenade after flashbang grenade, throwing eight in total.
“Flashbang! Flashbang! Flashbang! Flashbang! Flashbang! Flashbang! Flashbang! Flashbang!” Glen cried.
The soldiers were blinded by light, and covered their eyes in confusion.
Glen whipped out his knife. The following is a representation of what happened:
Glen =l===> RussianSoldier001
Glen =l===> Kremlin41
Glen =l===> 1337RedSlayer03
The three soldiers dropped, and Glen finally holstered the knife. He turned and walked to over where Patrick was lying.
“Wtf?” said a baffled and injured Patrick. “How were not tied up to the chair?”
“HACKS, MAN! LOLOLOLOLOL!” said Glen. “Now, if you excuse me, escape time!”
In a New York Public Library…
Howard let out a big yawn, and fiddled with the futuristic keyboard in front of him. On one side, Windows 8 was really cool, and the bored kid from the past enjoyed fiddling with features that hadn’t existed back in time. However, at the same time, Howard was supposed to be doing some research, and he hated doing research.
Jason wasn’t faring much better, as he was leaning back in his chair and looked around restlessly.
“Why won’t this load?” asked Jason.
“Well,” replied Howard, “You have to do futuristic commands. Watch.”
Howard cleared his throat and leaned over closer to Jason’s computer.
“Load,” Howard said in a deep voice.
“Loading,” replied a metallic voice.
“HA!” exclaimed Howard in satisfaction.
Three random people reading books turned around and said, “SSHH!”
“Alligators,” replied Howard quickly.
Jason started typing furiously.
“What are you doing, Jason?” asked Howard.
“I’m trying to figure what the Agency is,” replied Jason. “If I can get an inkling of insight into what they do, then maybe I can find out who Daniel and Matthew are working for and get to the bottom of this.”
“Good luck,” said Howard as he yawned again.
“Thank,” Jason said half-mindedly. Suddenly, he reeled back in surprise.
“What is it, Jason?” asked an unconcerned Howard.
“There’s nothing but Soviet propaganda on this website! What is wrong with this place? First Soviet soldiers shoot at us, then Daniel and Matt leave us to rot, and then I find nothing but this! WTF!”
“Maybe we’re in Russia,” reasoned Howard.
“I doubt my bunny slippers on that,” said Jason. “I saw the Empire State Building on our way here. We’re in New York City, unless the Soviets somehow transported the building to Russia.”
“That could happen,” nodded Howard.
“Yeah,” agreed Jason.
“So, what now?” asked Howard.
“I don’t know,” said Jason. “We could keep avoiding those Soviet soldiers, or we can go on an epic quest to find who sent us here.”
“Yeah,” said Howard, “Will this be a superhero thing? Because, if it is, I don’t want to become the sidekick.”
“No, it won’t become a superhero thing,” said Jason valiantly, “It will be more like an epic LOTR style quest to purge the roots of evil and bring back good! We will uncover the light and transcend to immortality with our tale of nobility and honor, and bring forth the valuable ideals of truth, love and justice to spread to a world infested by corruption and apathy! We shall overcome impossible odds and bring together a band of values so great it shall corral the very gregarious reaches of retch and villainy! Come forth, my brothers, dawn unto time! Draw into light and stone and cast a victorious shadow upon the covert menace of deprivation and brutality! Be gone, vile desecrations, and push unto yourselves the ultimate sin, the mortal enemy so great no mere heathen brethren can bestow upon it the sacred principles of honor and statuous light unless thou art of stalwart heart! Give a noble flower the time to blossom, and thou shalt lay thou eyes upon the greatest tale of benevolent deeds to come! Be gone, vile scum of greed and fear! Replace whence with the ancient witness to holy birth! ENLIGHTEN US, OR THOU SHALT NOT BE ENLIGHTENED! ONWARD!”
“Cool,” said Howard, “So, when do we begin our quest?”
“Hold on,” replied Jason, “I’m hungry and I think I saw a hot dog stand out front.”
“Hey, I’m hungry too!” exclaimed Howard. “Let’s go!”
On a Freeway in the Bay Area…
The car hummed along the freeway, rolling over cracks in the old pavement like nothing. Future Lawrence was still at the wheel. However, his face displayed the emotion of annoyance.
“Are we there yet?” asked Lawrence.
“NO!” Future Lawrence blatantly yelled.
A few seconds passed.
“NOOO!” yelled Future Lawrence.
“What? I didn’t say anything yet!” said Lawrence.
“Oh yeah,” said Future Lawrence. “I came in too early. Go ahead and say it again.”
“Are we there yet?” asked Lawrence again.
“NOOO!” repeated Future Lawrence.
In the underground Agency headquarters in New York City…
Agent Uberdaniel regained consciousness and found that his left hand was tied to the wall. He noticed Agent Ubermatthew across the burning room in the same predicament. Ubermatthew was looking up. Curious, Uberdaniel looked up as well. He saw that the corpse was still hanging from the ceiling, although it was just dangling there. Uberdaniel looked over at Ubermatthew.
“Hey, man!” yelled Uberdaniel. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know!” Ubermatthew yelled back over the flames. “It looks like we’re in some SAW type deal!”
“Greetings again, Agents,” the corpse spoke again. “Unfortunately, you two are the lucky ones. I would have hated disposing you like the rest of…them.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Ubermatthew, still strugging.
“I never expected you two to be out on a…mission. Today is, what do you call it, a Rest Day, correct?”
“You know,” said Uberdaniel. “That does make sense. Today was an Agency Rest Day.”
“Uberdaniel, focus on the situation we’re in right now!”
“I can’t!” whined Uberdaniel. “I’m becoming paranoid again! Are these ropes made out of highly flammable material?!”
“You’d be surprised,” the corpse mediated.
“AAAH!” yelled Uberdaniel.
“Gamble of the dice. That’s all it takes for you to escape. It is up to you to choose.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Uberdaniel.
“I’m giving you a choice in your own fates. Attached to your ropes are canisters of Type-2 Nano Eater modules. Once released, the Nano Eaters will eat through any material they come in contact with. That includes skin and bones,” explained the corpse.
Both Uberdaniel and Ubermatthew looked up again. This time, they noticed that their ropes were attached to two giant barrels hanging on the ceiling. One barrel was above Ubermatthew, while the other was above Uberdaniel. Both dangled perilously close to falling.
“Yikes,” muttered Ubermatthew.
“Let me explain your predicament,” said the hollowed corpse. “Your ropes trigger the opposite barrel. Moving your ropes in any way to free yourself will cause the other Agent to succumb. If both of you fail to react, the blazing inferno you see around you will force upon you an unhappy death of suffocation and asphyxiation anyway. The situation is in your hands.”
Ubermatthew could feel the flames creeping closer, and he started to feel a slight tug in his throat.
“Uberdaniel!” Ubermatthew yelled. “We have to work together!”
“No way, man! I can feel the walls closing in around me!” Uberdaniel yelled back. He used his free hand to take a combat knife off his belt.
“No no no!” Ubermatthew yelled. “Don’t free yourself! If you do, I’ll die!”
“What do you suppose we do then?” yelled back Uberdaniel.
“Let me think!” Ubermatthew replied. He bent his head down to think.
“We don’t have time! I can feel the ash and stuff creeping down my lungs!” Uberdaniel hoarsely yelled. He started coughing.
“There has to be someway we can get out of this jam,” Ubermatthew said. He looked around the burning lobby and spotted his P90 submachine gun on a nearby coffee table. The Agent reached over, and with his outstretched fingertips he slowly pulled it closer.
“Hey, if you’re out of ideas, I’m just gonna cut my rope!” Uberdaniel yelled.
“No, don’t!” Ubermatthew yelled back. He could almost grip his P90. The Agent bit his lip and partially braced himself for Uberdaniel’s mutinous decision.
“Well, do you have any ideas?!” Uberdaniel yelled. Then, his paranoia kicked in. “Are you going to shoot me?!” he panicked.
“No, I’m not going to shoot you!” Ubermatthew yelled. “I’m going to get both of us out of here!”
“If you’re planning to shoot me, think again, ‘cause I got a knife and I’m willing to use it!” Uberdaniel said.
“Are you high off of Tylenol again?” inquired Ubermatthew.
“Heck no! What’s a Tylernol?” yelled Uberdaniel hysterically.
“Sigh o.o,” said Ubermatthew. The veteran Agent grasped his P90 in his right hand and aimed it at a random pole on the ground between him and Uberdaniel.
Ubermatthew fired again and again, placing his shots so that the pole slowly slid towards Uberdaniel.
“That is not going to do any good,” said the corpse.
Ubermatthew diverted his aim upward and fired at the ropes the corpse was tied to. The ropes snapped, and the corpse fell into the flames below.
“Oh, how very rude,” said a disembodied voice, the voice of the corpse. “You ruined my play time. Guess you had it coming.”
“Yeah whatever, evil messed up demented villain guy,” shouted Ubermatthew. He turned back to shooting the pole towards Uberdaniel.
Meanwhile, in Switzerland…
“YAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA (deep breath)AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARARARARRAWWWWRR!”
Alvin burst into the old abandoned restaurant with two AK-47s blazing. He was wearing rainbow face paint, and had a gritty determined look on his face. Soviet soldiers ducked for cover and returned fire. Alvin calmly strode towards them, unfazed as bullets hit the wall behind him. Despite shooting from the hip and not aiming at all, Alvin somehow managed to down Soviet after Soviet, until finally only the leader was left.
In a fury, Alvin picked up the leader and slammed him against the wall.
“WHAT THE FUG IS GOIN’ ON?!” he yelled in a hoarse, deep voice.
“H-h-huh?” asked the confused Soviet.
“RAWR!” snarled Alvin. “WHO IS YOUR LEADER?!”
The Soviet just whimpered.
“TELL ME WHO YOUR LEADER IS OR ELSE I’LL TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!”
“Y-you can’t do that!” The Soviet blurted out. “Peterov is already taking over the world!”
“Peterov?” mused Alvin. “Wtf?”
The Soviet started snickering. “Did I break some bad news to you, Agent? How about you just go back under your rock?”
Alvin calmly knocked the Soviet leader unconscious and turned to Victoria, who was standing at the entrance to the old restaurant.
“Could Peter be…Peter Tang?” asked Alvin.
“Who’s that?” asked Victoria.
“What the- Victoria, is there something wrong with your memory? First you forget Glen, and now you don’t know who Peter is.”
“I know a Peter,” said Victoria, “Peter Pettigrew!”
“Face palm,” said Alvin.
“So, what is that Wormtail doing here in this world? Is my reality shifting? Are my worst nightmares finally being realized? AM I ON COFFEE???”
“Err,” said Alvin, “No.”
“Good,” said Victoria.
Alvin searched the unconscious body of the Soviet squad leader and pillaged an AK-47 in addition to two clips.
“We’ll need big guns,” said Alvin. “It seems like the closer we get to Glensoft, the more enemies we encounter.”
“Why can’t we just go around?” asked Victoria.
“Because that wastes time,” said Alvin. “We can found out just what the heck is going on here if we get to Glensoft. Perhaps we can even find Glen. Who knows, I still don’t even know who the heck teleported us to this future.”
“Well, let’s get going,” said Victoria.
Victoria and Alvin strolled out of the restaurant into an open street. The sun was setting, and it cast a soft glow unto the battle-tested town square. Alvin slung the AK-47 rifle over his right shoulder and pulled out his chopsticks.
“I’m hungry for RATIONS!” he said.
“Where are we going?” asked Victoria.
“I’m gonna go hunt a cow,” said Alvin.
Somewhere over Russia…
Sitting in the friendly confines of his private jet, Peter stared down at the territory under his control.
It’s mine! Everything’s mine! He thought. However, Peter could not get the feeling of emptiness out of his head. What should I do after I take over the world? Should I just do with the world as I please? No, that’s boring. I want MOAR.
Suddenly, Peter’s cell phone rang, and the aspiring conqueror of Earth answered it.
“Peter here,” said Peter.
“Peter,” Jenny’s voice wafted over the cell phone’s speakers. “The people you sent me to take out? They’re dead.”
“Um,” Peter gulped, “that was quick.”
“No, I didn’t kill them,” said Jenny. “Someone else did. Their entire headquarters is burning.”
“What?” Peter asked, slightly confused.
“I don’t know. I caught sight of two Agents, still alive, in the inferno, but I doubt that they caused the flames.”
“This is certainly puzzling,” said Peter. “If you’re calling to ask if you’ll still get your payment, forget it. The job’s already been done by somebody else.”
“Yeah,” said Jenny in a thoughtful tone.
“Um,” Peter said, “There is one other way for you to get your money. Find Patrick. He will tell you your next assignment. I promise you there will be money upon completion of that assignment.”
“All right,” Jenny acknowledged, slightly annoyed.
“Conqueror of the World out,” Peter said, and flipped his cell phone shut.
In some demented Dreamland…
“Augh! What’s happening?!” yelled Ryan Hansen in panic. He ran around in circles, wondering why his happy rainbow place had turned into a demented rainy place.
“Bunnies! Come back! I want to play!” Hansen wailed.
He ran into a mysterious dark castle. Hansen kept running and wailing until he entered a medieval room.
“Huh? Where’s this?” asked Hansen. He noticed a large mirror on the wall in front of him.
“Oooo,” said Hansen, “It’s a mirror on the wall!”
He cleared his throat.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall,” said Hansen pompously, “Who is the 1337est of them all?”
The mirror stood silent for a few moments. Then, an image appeared in the mirror.
“Huh? What’s this?” Hansen asked himself.
“I don’t know,” Hansen replied to the question he asked himself.
Through the mirror Hansen saw what looked like a view through somebody’s eyes. Using his FPS skills, Hansen watched keenly at the mirror as the image’s viewpoint looked down. Suddenly, Hansen could see flames below him. Lots of big red colorful flames. The viewpoint looked left and right, and Hansen could see what looked like two people tied to opposite walls. One person was holding a knife, and was wailing. The other was shooting at a pole on the ground with a submachine gun. Much debris lay about the flaming room.
“Woah,” said Hansen. “What new game is this?”
“Oh, how very rude,” echoed a deep dark voice from within the mirror. “You ruined my play time. Guess you had it coming…”
“Woah!” said Hansen. “This is so cool!”
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