Alvin Chronicles Ep. 11: The Steaks Are Raised

Uberdaniel wedged one edge of the pole into his rope, and settled the other end into the ground. Then, with one swift knife stroke, he slashed the rope around his wrist. The barrel containing the deadly neurotoxins remained hanging in place, and Uberdaniel let out a sigh of relief. He was free.

 

“Sigh,” sighed Uberdaniel, relieved. He flexed his right wrist and braced for a cramp.

 

“Okay, now find another pole and free me,” said Ubermatthew tensely.

 

Uberdaniel lazily held up a hand. “Wait, hold on,” he casually said.

 

“We don’t have time!” hissed Ubermatthew.

 

Uberdaniel opened a pouch on his utility belt and took out a small container of Tylenol.

 

“Oh, you’ve gotta be f***ing kidding me,” said Ubermatthew.

 

With calm precision Uberdaniel popped open the container and flipped a couple of Tylenol tablets into his mouth.

 

“Mmm!” Uberdaniel relished in satisfaction. “Delicious!”

 

“What? It’s only Tylenol!” Ubermatthew yelled in frustration.

 

Uberdaniel turned to Ubermatthew. The Tylenol-munching agent thought for a moment before clearing his throat.

 

“Only Tylenol? Hey, this tablet here is the golden sun of existence! The soft smooth capsule containing a soothing combination of the gold flaky substance and the silver cooling substance creates a sensation where it feels like a cool liquid trickles down and hydrates the throat in need.”

 

“Um, Daniel?” Ubermatthew asked uneasily. “Did your voice just drop down ten stories?”

 

“What?” Uberdaniel said in a deep voice that many come to know as the “Trailer Guy” voice.

 

“Seriously, Daniel, is there something wrong with you?” Ubermatthew asked.

 

“Fear not! I possess intellect!” Uberdaniel blurted out.

 

“No you don’t,” said Ubermatthew. “Or at least not when you’re high off Tylenol.”

 

The wrenching sound of twisting metal diverted the attention of both Agents, and debris rained down into the burning inferno.

 

“Um, a little help here?” Ubermatthew asked nervously. He looked around at his surroundings with tense eyes. The entire underground headquarters was falling apart, and the Agent was still struggling to free himself from his ropes.

 

Uberdaniel stared at Ubermatthew before looking back up at the ceiling, which was falling apart rather quickly. The Tylenol-munching agent caught sight of a fleeting figure as it scampered across the broken ceiling.

 

“Come back, vile fiend, and meet your maker!” Uberdaniel yelled in a deep voice and gave chase, leaving Ubermatthew by himself.

“Oh, this sucks,” murmured Ubermatthew.

 

----

In Switzerland…

The smell of well-roasted beef drifted past Alvin as he chopped at a block of Swiss cheese with his combat knife. Alvin stood up and walked outside.

Outside, Alvin could see the blood-red sky and the field full of cows. He and Victoria had gone back to where they had landed; near a field full of bloated cows.

  

Alvin, with his well-trained Agent mind, knew that his ULTIMATE MISSION OBJECTIVE was to figure out who caused the time warp and how to get back to the present, and that his PRIMARY MISSION OBJECTIVE was to find Glen and get some information out of him, but deep in the back of Alvin’s mind was the lingering SECONDARY MISSION OBJECTIVE, which Alvin always took to heart. This objective was…eating.

 

With this SECONDARY MISSION OBJECTIVE in mind, Alvin walked over to the makeshift roast in the middle of the field. A chunk of tender beef was slowly turning as it lay strapped onto the roast. Below it sat a boiling pot of Miso soup. The scent from both of these delicious edibles nearly made Alvin faint with delight…

 

The next thing Alvin knew he was on the ground trying to regain his senses.

 

“Alvin? Alvin? Hello…”

 

Alvin put a hand to his head and groaned. His head hurt, and his vision was blurry.

 

“Alvin, wake up!”

 

Alvin recognized that voice. What was her name…Vita Rico? No, that wasn’t it. Maybe it was Airotciv… No, that sounded Russian.

 

Suddenly, Alvin’s nerves tensed up as he realized something.

 

Alvin smelled fooooooooood!!!

 

With newfound willpower Alvin sat up and sniffed. The tender and juicy aroma from the roast smelled absolutely luscious, and Alvin had an urge to move to Argentina.

 

“Alvin! Hey! We got a visitor!” yelled the voice, this time with a little more frustration.

 

“Huh?” Alvin looked over past the roast and the FOOD. He saw Victoria sitting on the other side of the roast, and a third unrecognizable figure.

 

“Woah, Victoria, who’s that sitting next to you?” Alvin asked woozily.

 

“LOLOLOLOLOL!” said the figure.

 

“Oh,” said Alvin. He needed no further reminder to recognize their guest.

 

Glen ate more beef and ate more beef.

 

“Yeah, it’s been pretty weird after you knocked yourself out,” said Victoria.

 

“Come on,” shrugged Alvin, “its Glen.”

 

“Who’s Glen?” Victoria asked again.

 

“I’M GLEN!” Glen gleefully yelled.

 

“Are you hyper?” asked Alvin.

 

“Yes!” Glen yelled. “And I’m ultra, mega and giga!”

 

Alvin turned to Victoria.

 

“What a coincidence,” said Alvin. “The Glen of the future is exactly the same as the Glen of the Present.”

 

“Hey, this is the present!” yelled Glen.

 

“No, it’s the future,” said Victoria.

 

“PRESENT!” yelled Glen.

 

“FUTURE!” yelled Victoria.

 

“PRESENT!” yelled Glen.

 

“FUTURE!” yelled Victoria.

 

“PRESENT!” yelled Glen.

 

“FUTURE!” yelled Victoria.

 

“MORTAL KOMBAT!” Alvin yelled. Both Glen and Victoria stared at Alvin.

 

“What?” asked Alvin. “I’m hungry!”

 

“You don’t make any sense,” said Glen. “But then again, neither does your face.”

 

“Hey, I like rainbow paint!” said Alvin.

 

Victoria sighed in frustration. “Guys, what do we do now? Alvin, aren’t you going to ask Glen questions?”

 

“Oh yeah, I was going to do that,” said Alvin. He took out a pile of note cards.

 

“Erm, wtf?” asked Victoria.

 

“I came prepared to ask Glen questions,” Alvin replied. “I had a lot of questions, so I wrote them all on these note cards.”

 

“o_o,” said Victoria.

 

Alvin cleared his throat and turned to face Glen. Glen looked at Alvin with a confused happy look on his face.

 

“So, Glen, tell us what you did after you got out of high school,” said Alvin.

 

“Well,” replied Glen, “I went to college, and then I went to Switzerland to found a company I named Glensoft. Pretty awesome!”

 

“My Rambo Rainbow face paint is awesome,” Alvin interjected.

 

“Glensoft is the number one software company in the world,” Glen continued, “It provides top-notch military software and programming as well as your average household software. Basically all the rich countries in the world use Glensoft software for their databases, and I reap all the profits! >:D”

 

“Go on,” said Victoria as she ate some steak.

 

“A couple of years ago, Glensoft bought all the shares of Valve Software, and so now I control the 1337est video game company in the world! I even had Counter Strike 3 named after me! ‘Counter Strike: Glenin’!”

 

“Um what?” asked Alvin and Victoria at the same time.

 

“Then who and what are these Russian people doing in Switzerland?” asked Victoria.

 

“Oh,” Glen grimaced, “These Russian people are Soviet Troops from the Soviet Country of the Soviet Union. I think they came here to take over the world or something, but that’s what I’ve been doing for the past few years, SO THEY ARE BITERS! Anyway, I think they’ve been trying to hack into the Glensoft database and activate my secret backdoor code!”

 

“You have a backdoor in your software?” Victoria asked.

 

“Yeah! So when the time arrives, I can take over all the computer systems in the world and be the all-supreme Earth patriarch!” Glen confidently announced.

 

“How the hell did you think you could get away with that?” asked Alvin.

 

“Well, you see,” Glen said, “I want to be the Admin of the Earth Server, and one of my scout teams stumbled across this artifact I call the Long Cat Crystal. I believe that if the powers of this Long Cat Crystal are harnessed, it will grant those who are under its influence AWESOME intellect!”

 

“What are you rambling about?” muttered Alvin.

 

“The Long Cat Crystal acts as an emitter for the Long Cat Starship, which is a mysterious starship that appeared in Mars’ orbit about three years ago. The Starship has archives that are way more advanced than any ordinary human could possibly think of, and whoever enters the starship will be immediately educated in the ways of Long Cat!”

 

“You sound like you just made up your own religion,” said Victoria. “Like me!”

 

“What I’m saying is true!” insisted Glen.

 

Glen stood up and stared defiantly into the sky.

 

“We must stop the Soviets in their attempt to gain ultimate power!” said Glen.

 

“And what, let you take the power for yourself?” asked Alvin.

 

“Yeah,” said Glen.

 

“If we help you, would you share Long Cat power with us?” asked Victoria hopefully.

 

“Sure!” said Glen.

 

“Okay, we’ll help you!” said Victoria cheerfully.

 

“No, wait!” yelled Alvin. “We don’t do evil, we do good!”

 

“We’ll use the power for good!” said Victoria.

 

“Fine,” Alvin grumbled. “But if we’re running, then forget it.”

 

“We’ll set off in the morning!” yelled Glen.

 

“To where?” asked Victoria.

 

“We’re going to summon my personal army!” yelled Glen.

 

“You have a personal army?” said Victoria.

 

“What?” asked Alvin in disbelief.

 

“Yeah, I have them staked around the perimeter!” yelled Glen. “In fact, meet my second-in-command!”

 

All of a sudden, a man walked out of the shadows. He wore a red T-shirt and grey pants in addition to a distinctive baseball cap. A radio headset, complete with a microphone, was hooked in his left ear, and a dark duffel bag was slung around his left shoulder. The man carried what looked like a shotgun in his hands, and his wrists were heavily taped.

 

“Yo whassup,” greeted the man in a Brooklyn drawl. Alvin and Victoria stared up at him.

 

“Meet the Scout,” said Glen.

----

Beneath New York City…

Jason and Howard walked along the dusty old tracks in an old abandoned subway tunnel.

 

“Man, I’m full,” burped Howard.

 

“Me too,” said Jason.

 

“So, what do we do now? What are we doing here anyway?” asked Howard.

 

“I don’t know. I was following you,” said Jason.

 

“What? No, that can’t be it. I was following you,” burped Howard.

 

Both Jason and Howard stared at each other with a look of realization on their faces.

 

“Uh oh,” mused Howard. “So we’ve been following each other?”

 

“It seems like it,” said Jason. “I don’t know. I was thinking about how delicious that hot dog was.”

 

“Oh dear,” said Howard, “me too.”

 

“DAMN THOSE HOT DOGS!” Jason yelled. “BECAUSE OF YOU WE’RE LOST!”

 

“YOU WERE DELICIOUS TOO!” yelled Howard. “WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE SO TENDER?!”

 

Jason and Howard fell silent in a period of reflection as they pondered their next move. Suddenly, Howard noticed a faint orange glow further along the tunnel.

“That’s strange,” said Howard. “I see a faint orange glow further along the tunnel.”

 

“Really?” asked Jason. “Cool. Let’s go check it out!”

----

At an old mansion…

Future Lawrence swung open the old rusty gate and walked along the dirt path towards the menacing dark mansion. The morning sun was rising higher above the sky, and Lawrence could feel the heat on his back as he slowly walked up to the door.

 

Future Lawrence raised his right hand and rapped three times on the colossal ancient door.

 

“Yes?” a prissy yet intelligent voice answered from within. “Hold the bromythol, Marty. I’ll get the door!”

 

The ancient door slowly creaked open, and Future Lawrence gaped at the vast dark space inside the mansion. He turned back and motioned.

“Hey, what are you hiding for?” Future Lawrence asked.

 

Lawrence slowly rose out of the bushes with a look of shock and awe on his face.

 

“What, you’ve never seen a creepy old mansion before?” asked Future Lawrence dryly.

 

“At Disneyland, yes, but not here,” replied Lawrence.

 

Both Lawrences slowly walked into the deep bowels of the old mansion.

 

“Who have we here?” echoed a voice that seemed to be emanating from the entire vast room.

 

“It’s Lawrence, doctor,” said Future Lawrence.

 

“OH! Lawrence! I haven’t seen you in ages!” replied the voice.

 

“And I haven’t seen you in three days,” said Future Lawrence.

 

“I haven’t seen you in never,” said Lawrence.

 

“Who is that with you, eh, Lawrence?” asked the voice.

 

“Oh, it’s a…relative of mine,” said Future Lawrence.

 

“I’m not your relative!” hissed Lawrence.

 

“Close enough,” Future Lawrence replied.

 

“You’re going to have to speak up! I’m deaf in one eardrum!” exclaimed the voice.

 

“We come in search of answers,” said Future Lawrence.

 

“WHAT?” boomed the voice.

 

“WE COME IN SEARCH OF ANSWERS!!!” yelled Future Lawrence at the top of his lungs.

 

“OKEY-DOKEY!” yelled the voice.

 

Suddenly, a row of lights flickered on, revealing a cavernous hallway and marble pillars. Two giant double doors sat on the opposite end of the long hallway.

“Woah…” stared Lawrence. “This guy has cash.”

 

“Nice,” replied Future Lawrence. He started strolling towards the double doors.

 

----

In the Glensoft Skyscraper…

 

Patrick grimaced as the blond female Soviet medic attached a patch of ice to his stomach.

 

“just stay still and pray to the Motherland,” said the medic in an assuring voice.

 

“Hey, I’m not Russian,” said Patrick. “I’m a ComSec.”

 

“Oh,” replied the medic. “Commissioned Securities? The mercenary group?”

 

“ComSec is NOT a mercenary group,” said Patrick. “It’s a private contractor. We’re under the employ of Peter.”

 

The medic smiled back and walked back to her first aid kit.

 

Patrick watched as Soviet soldiers picked up glass and searched the large office for evidence. Dammit, thought Patrick. How could the CEO of a large software company destroy a squad of Soviet commandos? Unless he hacked…

 

A Soviet soldier approached Patrick.

 

“Sir,” the soldier said in a thick Russian accent. “Someone is here to see you. Should I bring her in?”

 

“Go ahead,” said Patrick.

 

The Soviet soldier left, and later returned with somebody Patrick knew. Patrick immediately stood up.

 

“Jenny, what are you doing here- ah, yes, now I remember.” He stammered.

 

“The mission,” said Jenny. “He promised me credits.”

 

“Ah yes,” Patrick repeated. He reached for his laptop. “Your next mission is…”

 

“Is…?” asked Jenny.

 

Patrick slowly looked up with a glint in his eye. “Your next mission is…to DIE!!!”

 

Suddenly, every single Soviet soldier in the room abruptly halted their previous tasks and whipped out rifles. Jenny looked stunned for half a millisecond before whipping out knives. The trained bounty hunter stabbed the Soviet soldier right next to her with nimble precision before throwing two more knives. Each knife hit a Soviet trooper in the head.

 

“KILL HER, DAMMIT!” Patrick yelled.

 

The Soviets opened fire, but Jenny quickly jumped out of the way. The bullets intended for the bounty hunter hit their own comrades.

 

“Theoretical SHI*!” Patrick yelled. The pissed off programmer unholstered a pistol and fired at Jenny, but she was too fast for him. Soon, the bounty hunter was gone.

 

Patrick glanced around wildly before facing the last four soldiers and the medic. “Find her, dammit! I can’t fail Peter again!”

 

“Yes, sir!” the four soldiers replied. They quickly fanned out through the large office, rifles aimed.

 

“Sir,” said the medic, “We have to get you somewhere safe. You’re not fit to fight!”

 

“Oh yes I’m fit!” yelled Patrick. “I’m fit to PROGRAM!”

 

Patrick furiously typed onto his laptop, inputting codes into the Glensoft database.

 

“Sir, what are you doing?” asked the medic frantically.

 

“I’m rigging the skyscraper’s self destruct sequence,” said Patrick maniacally. “We’re blowing this building to the ground!”

 

“Why?” asked the medic.

 

Patrick paused before answering. “Because I can.”

 

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