In the Peterbase in Moscow…

 

 

Peter nervously strummed his fingers and watched out as the huge space rocket was slowly being brought into the platform. The sleek form of the space rocket contrasted with the purely functional space platform Peter had built just two years before, when he came into power. Peter stroked his cat in reflection. It was not easy being elected leader of a country as large as Russia. First, Peter had to wait until Russia fell into another period of economic turmoil. This was easy, as the Recession had done this part for him. Second, Peter had to give lots of speeches to rally supporters in Russia. This part was also easy, since Peter had a lot of extensive training in Lynbrook High School’s Speech and debate program. Third, once Peter was in office, he had to select his staff. This was easy too, as there were many smart convicts in the prisons of Moscow Peter could implement in his global plan for world domination.

In fact, the whole coming to power thing was way too easy for Peter. Then why did it feel so difficult…?

 

 

Ah, yes. Peter remembered now. He had to sign paperwork after paperwork to get his favorite cats shipped to Russia. Now THAT wasn’t easy. Peter could find only one smuggling ring willing to bring his cats over, and even then Peter had to yell at them for bringing the cats over in airtight boxes. However, now that his cats were safe in Russia, Peter could concentrate on the petty matters that included world and universal domination.

 

 

“McClellan, where is the Long Cat Crystal?” Peter asked.

 

 

“It’s on its way, sir.” McClellan reassured.

 

 

“Good,” Peter replied. He turned back to cuddling his cat.

 

 

“Sir,” McClellan piped up again.

 

 

“Yes, McClellan?”

 

 

“General Dementov has not yet returned from his endeavor,” said McClellan.

 

 

“What?” Peter turned to face McClellan. “Why not?”

 

 

“We don’t know, sir,” said McClellan. “All we know is that he disappeared somewhere over Switzerland.”

 

 

“Who was he with?” asked Peter.

 

 

“We don’t know yet, sir,” replied McClellan.

 

 

“What was he going there for?” asked Peter.

 

 

“He was going to interrogate some sort of Agency prisoner…” said McClellan.

 

 

“hmm…” Peter thought, stroking his cat. “I don’t remember any Agency operating in Europe. I thought they were pushed back to our front lines in the US and A.”

 

 

“Me too, sir,” said McClellan. “Your bounty hunter also confirmed that the Agency headquarters was in ruins. Not our line of work.”

 

 

“Strange puzzles indeed,” said a confused Peter. He put his cat down and watched as the cat trotted to its litter box.

 

 

“Sir, if I may show you the list of Agents unaccounted for?” McClellan asked.

 

 

“Go ahead,” said Peter.

 

 

McClellan reached down under the railing and pushed a button. Suddenly, the large window overlooking the space platform tinted, and visuals popped up. Many photographs appeared, showing various Agents caught doing everyday things.

 

 

McClellan pointed at a picture of a man in a grocery store.

 

 

“This,” he said, “Is Agent Robby Burtzlaff. His current location is unknown, but his last known location was in Egypt.”

 

 

“Why Egypt?” asked Peter.

 

 

“We don’t know yet, sir,” replied McClellan. He pointed at another picture. This time, it was a picture of a man playing soccer.

 

 

“This is Agent Matthew Faris,” said McClellan. “His current location is unknown, but his last known location was Ottawa, Canada.”

 

 

“Canada, eh?” grunted Peter. “I conquered that place a year ago. Useless icebox.”

 

 

McClellan coughed before turning to point at another picture. This time, it was a picture of a man throwing a keyboard across the room.

 

 

“This is Agent Daniel Huang,” said McClellan. “His current location is unknown, but his last known location was in Seattle.”

 

 

“Seattle? Why Seattle?” asked Peter.

 

 

“E3,” replied McClellan.

 

 

“Ohhh…” Peter nodded with understanding.

 

 

“Those are the Agency’s top three missing agents in the field,” said McClellan.

 

 

“Are any of them threats?” asked Peter.

 

 

“Nope,” McClellan quickly replied.

 

 

“Who is the most likely threat?” asked Peter.

 

 

“That would be Agent Alvin Boner Master Chang,” said McClellan. He pushed another button under the railing, and a picture of Alvin eating ramen noodles appeared. “He was a very deadly and efficient agent.”

 

 

“I heard he was killed by Mexican drug lords five years ago,” said Peter.

 

 

“Yes, sir, but his death is not confirmed,” said McClellan. “It could be assumed that he’s still out there.”

 

 

“Are these all of the missing Agents?” asked Peter.

 

 

“No, sir, but these are the most likely ones whom Dementov went to interrogate,” said McClellan.

 

 

“Reroute a couple of squads to Dementov’s last known location,” said Peter.

 

 

Suddenly, Peter’s cell phone rang. Peter answered it.

 

 

“Peter here,” said Peter.

 

 

“Peter, it’s me, Patrick,” said Patrick over the phone.

 

 

“Patrick,” said Peter. “Did Jenny arrive yet?”

 

 

“Yes, she did,” said Patrick, his voice strained.

 

 

“Did you dispatch her?” asked Peter.

 

 

“No,” said Patrick. “But we’re working on it.”

 

 

“WHAT?” yelled Peter. “Whaddaya mean, you’re working on it?”

 

 

“She killed some more of your soldiers before disappearing. She’s somewhere in this skyscraper though,” said Patrick.

 

 

“I told you to kill her, dammit!” yelled Peter. “Now’s she probably going to be coming after me?”

 

 

“which is why I intend to bury her with the rest of this skyscraper,” said Patrick.

 

 

“WHAT?” repeated Peter.

 

 

“She’s still somewhere in this building. The sensors haven’t picked up anybody leaving,” said Patrick. “If I blow this building up, it’s a guaranteed thirty minute music set, 96.5, KOIT.”

 

 

“WHAT?” repeated Peter.

 

 

“Sorry,” said Patrick. “I meant, if I blow this building up, it’s a guaranteed kill.”

 

 

“But you’ll die!” said Peter.

 

 

“I have a way out of this,” said Patrick. “A helicopter.”

 

 

Peter’s other cell phone rang in his other suit pocket.

 

 

“Hold on,” he told Patrick, “Let me answer this.”

 

 

Peter took out his other cell phone and answered it.

 

 

“Peter here,” said Peter.

 

 

“You LIAR!” exclaimed a frustrated Jenny over the phone. “You caking piece of LIAR!”

 

 

“Huh?” Peter innocently replied.

 

 

“I almost got killed back there by one of your own men! I was set up!” exclaimed Jenny.

 

 

“Wait, what’s going on over there?” asked Peter.

 

 

“You’re programmer underling ordered all of the soldiers in this vicinity to hunt me down and kill me! I’m lucky I killed five or six of the bastards, but YOU…YOU better watch your own back, because my cutlery and I are going to get some VENGEANCE!”

 

 

“What? He tried to kill you?” asked Peter incredulously. “I didn’t know anything about that.”

 

 

“Orly?” asked Jenny sardonically. “And I suppose your programmer’s gone rogue then.”

 

 

“Yep,” said Peter. “That’s about it.”

 

 

Gunshots rang through the cell phone. Suddenly, Peter heard the swish of a blade and a man’s grunt.

 

 

“See? There’s another one of your soldier bastards!” Jenny said.

 

 

“Oh my,” Peter feigned surprise, “I’ll call them off immediately.”

 

 

“It’s too late, Peter! I’m coming for you! And this time, I’m bringing all my silver with me!”

 

 

The line went dead. Peter grimaced and turned back to Patrick’s call.

 

 

“Patrick, you still there?”

 

 

“Yeah,” said Patrick.

 

 

“Blow the building up, right now,” said Peter.

 

 

“Ay aye,” said Patrick. “Say goodbye to Glensoft.”

 

 

“Sayonara,” said Peter. He flipped his cell phone shut.

 

 

----

 

 

In the NY Underground…

 

 

Jason and Howard approached a scene of mass fire and destruction.

 

 

“What happened here?” asked Howard.

 

 

“Looks like something’s on fire,” observed Jason.

 

 

“No s---,” said Howard. “It’s, like, three hundred degrees in here.”

 

 

“Two hundred,” somebody else hoarsely whispered.

 

 

Jason and Howard looked to their left and saw Ubermatthew tied to a wall. The Agent was slowly becoming weak from the unbearable heat.

 

 

“Woah! It’s that guy who abandoned us back at that apartment full of Russians!” exclaimed Jason.

 

 

“Help me,” said Ubermatthew weakly.

 

 

“Let’s leave. He left us already once before,” said Howard.

 

 

“Yeah,” Jason said.

 

 

Howard and Jason promptly left.

 

 

“No, wait…” Ubermatthew called out.

 

 

Howard and Jason shuffled back in.

 

 

“You know what?” said Jason. “Let’s save him.”

 

 

“Good idea,” said Howard.

 

 

Jason and Howard went up to Ubermatthew and started tugging on the ropes. However, the ropes didn’t budge.

 

 

“It’s not working!” yelled Jason.

 

 

“Hold on, I’ve got an idea!” yelled Howard.

 

 

“Finally!” exclaimed Jason.

 

 

Howard wandered around the burning inferno and found a fire axe. He picked up the axe, hefted it, and started chopping away at the rope that held Ubermatthew to the wall.

 

 

“No! Wait!” Ubermatthew managed to yell.

 

 

Howard abruptly cut both of the ropes off, and Ubermatthew stared up, expecting to be suddenly covered in deadly neurotoxins. However, the bucket tipped over, and instead of being soaked with neurotoxins, the three guys were suddenly soaked with good ol’ H2O.

 

 

“What?” asked a refreshed and stunned Ubermatthew.

 

 

“C’mon, let’s get out of here!” yelled Howard as he pocketed the fireaxe.

 

 

Ubermatthew picked up his P90 submachine gun and ran out of the burning Agency headquarters with Jason and Howard closely following him.

 

 

They were just in time, as a huge cliché fireball came barging through the headquarters towards them.

 

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAH!” all three of them yelled at the top of their lungs as they ran from the pursuing ball of fire.

 

 

Ubermatthew, Jason, and Howard burst out into the subway tunnel and dove onto the tracks. The fire ball blew over them and faded out into dispersing flames.

 

 

As soon as everything was quiet, Ubermatthew slowly got up and brushed soot off his pants.

 

 

“Wow, that was interesting,” said Ubermatthew.

 

 

Howard was the next to get up.

 

 

“That was fun!” said Howard.

 

 

Jason finally got up and wiped soot off his glasses.

 

 

“That was a breeze,” said Jason. “I ran like the freakin’ wind!”

 

 

“I need a drink,” said Howard.

 

 

Suddenly, the three men heard the noise of an approaching subway.

 

 

“OH SUBWAY!” they all yelled.

 

 

They quickly dove off the tracks just as the subway blew by them.

 

 

As soon as the subway finished passing wind, Ubermatthew was the first to get up.

 

 

“Wow, that was also interesting,” said Ubermatthew.

 

 

“Now what?” asked Howard.

 

 

“Oh crap!” Ubermatthew suddenly remembered. “I suddenly remembered! Uberdaniel! Uberdaniel!”

 

 

Ubermatthew straggled back towards the burned out Agency headquarters, but Jason and Howard quickly stopped him.

 

 

“What are you doing?” asked Jason.

 

 

“Uberdaniel’s still back there!” explained Ubermatthew. “He went after some phantom figure and now he’s still back there!”

 

 

“What phantom figure?” asked Howard.

 

 

“Your true decider of fate…” whispered a creepy disembodies voice. All three men looked around wildly.

 

 

“What was that?” asked Jason. “Did you hear that, Howard?”

 

 

“Yeah, I heard that,” said Howard. “Did you hear that, Ubermatthew?”

 

 

“Yeah, I heard that,” said Ubermatthew. “Did you hear that, Jason?”

 

 

“Yeah, I heard that,” said Jason. “Did you hear that, Howard?”

 

 

“Yeah, I heard that,” said Howard. “Did you hear that- wait a minute, we’re going in circles!”

They all suddenly felt wind and the noise of another approaching subway train.

 

 

“SUBWAY!” they all yelled, and dove off the tracks as another subway blew by them.

 

 

As soon as the subway was long gone, Ubermatthew got up again.

 

 

“So anyway,” said Ubermatthew, “I told him not to take the Tylenol, but he went ahead and took it! Damn tablets are addicting!”

 

 

“Tell me about it,” nodded Howard.

 

 

“Which direction did he go?” asked Jason.

 

 

“Well,” Ubermatthew grimaced, “He went in the opposite direction.”

 

 

“Are there multiple exits?” asked Jason.

 

 

“Yeah, why?” asked Ubermatthew.

 

 

“Maybe he got out of another tunnel,” said Jason.

 

 

“Hmm, good point,” said Ubermatthew.

 

 

“Well,” said Howard, “Now what?”

 

 

“We have to find Uberdaniel!” said Ubermatthew. “I gotta make sure he’s safe! Now with the Agency headquarters in flames and all that, we’re all alone in NYC…”

 

 

Jason thought for a moment before turning to Ubermatthew.

 

 

“We will help you on one condition,” said Jason.

 

 

“What’s that?” asked Ubermatthew.

 

 

“Once we find Uberdaniel, will you help us solve our problems?” Jason offered.

 

 

“Sure,” said Ubermatthew.

 

 

“Good, then we’ll help you,” said Jason.

 

 

Howard started to cry.

 

 

“Howard, why are you crying?” asked Jason.

 

 

“I…I don’t know,” sniffed Howard. “It’s just that, this is almost as touching as those Taiwanese dramas!”

 

 

“Aww,” said Jason. “Don’t cry.”

 

 

Jason put an arm around Howard.

 

 

“There there,” said Jason. “Be a man.”

 

 

Suddenly, a familiar sound filled the tunnel. Jason, Howard and Ubermatthew looked at each other.

 

 

“SUBWAY!” they all yelled and dove off the tracks.

 

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