Alvin Chronicles Ep. 14

 

“Okaaaay….I had a feeling this would happen someday. Ever since Alvin disappeared for like about, what, two months? I don’t know, they thought I was crazy. They didn’t even believe me when I told them Alvin was a secret agent from outer space. Now, ever since we were miraculously transported to Communist York, I think it’s safe to say that I was right, and they are wrong. Anyway, I should be the leader, and not Jason. I mean, this whole thing is playing out like that one anime I saw, and I’m the most experienced when it comes to Asian entertainment. I’m tired of being a sidekick!”

-Howard

 

---

 

In the New York Underground…

 

“Here kitty kitty!” Uberdaniel said. “I have someone I want you to meet! I call her  Berretta!”

 

Uberdaniel, with his back to a cluster of large machines, slowly inched towards the edge of his cover. He quickly swiveled to face the gap between the machines and pointed his handgun at the gap. Sensing no movement, Uberdaniel continued to prowl.

 

Suddenly, he reached a small clearing in the large, mechanical room. Uberdaniel was perplexed to see a small makeshift stand in the middle of the room. A spotlight was fixed on the stand, creating a rather vaudeville atmosphere.

 

Two hand puppets slowly rose out from the stand in a theatrical fashion. One puppet had broken glasses taped onto it. The other puppet wore a mini red jacket. Both puppets looked like they were used many times before. Uberdaniel raised his weapon, but thought against shooting and decided to observe.

 

“Hello!” said Glasses Puppet in a dark, sinister voice. “How nice of you to drop by to watch today’s performance! Today is opening day! Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy…!”

 

“My name is Peter, and I am the Supreme Ruler of the Great Soviet Socialist Republic!” said the other puppet in a similar, albeit higher pitched, voice. “I want to take over the world! Do you want to know why?”

 

“Yeah!” Uberdaniel said.

 

“Unfortunately,” said Peter Puppet. “I cannot break the fourth wall. So, I’m very sorry! However, I can tell my compadre here why I want to take over the world!”

 

“Why do you want to take over the world?” asked Glasses Puppet. “Oh, wait. I know! I told you to. I told you that great things would happen once you took over the world and that you would see…her…again.”

 

Peter Puppet rocked its lifeless arms back and forth.

 

“Oh! What I would do to see her again!” it said.

 

Glasses Puppet moved closer to Peter Puppet.

 

“Very good, Peter,” said Glasses Puppet. “Now, all you have to do is take over the world and bring the Long Cat crystal to me. Then, all will be well, and there will be…cake.”

 

“Yay!” squeaked Peter Puppet.

 

“All is well, isn’t it?” a third voice interjected. Uberdaniel vaguely remembered this voice. What was that guy’s name again? Hans Ryansen? No, wait.

 

The figure controlling the puppets slowly rose up from behind the stand. Uberdaniel panicked and immediately put a few shots into the figure’s right arm. The figure grunted and fell back. Uberdaniel quickly ran over to the figure and pulled the mysterious puppeteer’s mask off.

 

“RYAN HANSEN!” yelled Uberdaniel. “AFTER ALL THESE YEARS! OMG! WHAT HAVE I DONE?! I SHOT HANSEN!”

 

Ryan Hansen weakly looked up.

 

“Huh?” he asked. “Where am I? Is this heaven? Are there video games in heaven?”

 

“Dude!” said Uberdaniel. “You just put on a totally macabre puppet show and you don’t even remember?! THAT’S AWESOME!”

 

“Really? Cool!” said Hansen.

 

Ubermatthew, Jason and Howard all ran in.

 

“Uberdaniel!” yelled a relieved Ubermatthew. “I finally found you at last!”

 

“You mean we ALL found you!” continued Jason.

 

“Oh dear, it’s another drama moment!” Howard exclaimed.

 

“You found me, and I found Hansen!” said Uberdaniel.

 

“Oh wait, no, it’s Daniel, which means it’s a comedy moment,” said Howard.

 

“Not Daniel,” corrected Uberdaniel. “Uberdaniel.”

 

“Same thing,” said Howard.

 

Jason looked down at Hansen.

 

“OMG, its Hansen!” he exclaimed.

 

“Where?” asked Hansen, looking around.

 

Jason became perplexed. “What do you mean, ‘where’? You’re Hansen!”

 

“I am?” asked Hansen, clearly more confused than ever.

 

Suddenly, a lightbulb flickered on in Ryan Hansen’s mind.

 

“I’M HANSEN! YEAH!” Hansen exclaimed. He jumped up and started doing an Irish jig. However, he felt pain in his right arm, and quickly collapsed back onto the floor.

 

“He’s bleeding!” exclaimed Ubermatthew. “Uberdaniel, what did you do to Hansen?”

 

“I shot him, but it wasn’t my fault!” pleaded Uberdaniel. “It was Auto-Aim! I swear!”

 

 “And I have a man-crush on Ronaldo.” Ubermatthew said dryly. “Seriously, dude, why did you shoot him?”

 

“He was putting on a macabre puppet show!” yelled Uberdaniel. “I WAS SCARED!”

 

“What?” everybody said as they looked around.

 

“Let me see your helmet cam footage,” said Ubermatthew.

 

Four minutes later, Ubermatthew shut off his visor monitor and turned to the rest of his comrades.

 

“S---,” he said. “That’s not good.”

 

“Yeah,” said Jason. “We were listening to the whole thing, and it’s not looking good at all.”

 

“Who’s that creepy sounding guy?” asked Howard curiously. “Is he the main villain?”

 

“No, he’s the Puppet Master,” said Ubermatthew grimly.

 

“Who’s that?” asked Jason and Howard in a chorus.

 

“He’s an infamous psychopath Agent Alvin and I had to track down a few years back,” explained Ubermatthew. “I thought he died, but apparently he’s still alive.”

 

“Tell us more!” said Jason.

 

“Yay!” said Howard. “Flashback time!”

 

----

 

FLASHBACK

 

In an abandoned theater in Los Angeles…

 

Agent Matthew stared at the main stage from his position near the back of the theater. The various spotlights around the theater cast a bright wave of light on the stage, and it made Matt uneasy to think about the dark theater.

 

“We are go,” a voice whispered over his earpiece. “I think he’s going to make an appearance soon.”

 

Matt looked around uncomfortably. He had left his P90 submachine gun outside, as part of an agreement with the Puppet Master. The Puppet Master was supposed to be unarmed, but Matt didn’t trust mentally-impaired people.

 

“Alvin, you still there?” asked Matt.

 

“Yeah, I’m still here,” said Alvin. Gold is in position, too.

 

Ah, yes. Agent Gold. Matt didn’t really like new transfers, and this new agent was especially troublesome. Agent Gold had been transferred to his team just over a week ago, and Matt had to endure an incessant barrage of wisecrack jokes, taunts, whining and complaining that would have driven any other Agent nuts. She was a good sharpshooter, though; Matt had to give her that.

 

“I’m in the upper balcony,” Gold’s voice said. “When is this dud going to show up?”

 

“Almost,” said Alvin. He was annoyed, too.

 

Bringing Gold into this situation was a huge risk, because the Agency had promised the Puppet Master that they wouldn’t bring any weapons into the theater. However, they decided to secretly insert Gold to take the freak out anyway. So that was why Agent Gold was concealed in the upper balcony with a suppressed rifle. Not exactly what the Puppet Master had asked for, but it was worth it.

 

Right on cue, the back curtain flapped open, and a strange looking man entered. He wore a tuxedo, with a red fedora in his left breast pocket. White gloves covered his hands, and an equally white mask covered his entire face. He wore a bullet proof vest, and carried a large sack in his left hand.

 

“Here he comes,” said Alvin. “Hold your fire.”

 

The Puppet Master stretched both of his arms out wide, as if welcoming somebody. “Welcome! Welcome!” he said in a cold, yet delighted voice. “Welcome to my paradise! Where are my two guests? It’s safe to come out now, guests! I don’t bite! NOT YET…”

 

Matt put on a grim face, and stood up. He slowly walked down the aisle towards the stage. At the same time, Alvin walked down the other aisle, step in step with Matt.

 

“Ah, here they are!” exclaimed the Puppet Master. “Please, sit! Make yourselves comfortable! Today is opening day!”

 

Alvin and Matt reluctantly sat down in some of the theater’s many cushy chairs.

 

The Puppet Master reached inside his bag and pulled out a chainsaw.

 

“Oh, that’s not it!” he said to himself. He set the chainsaw down on the ground in front of him. Matt tensed up when he noticed the blood stains on the chainsaw.

 

The Puppet Master pulled out two puppets. One puppet had horn-rimmed glasses taped to its eyes, while the other puppet had a mask similar to the one the Puppet Master wore.

 

“Hello!” said Glasses Puppet.

 

“Why, good evening!” said Mask Puppet.

 

“I would like to make a proposition,” said Glasses Puppet. “Have you ever wanted to take over the world?”

 

“The thought crossed my mind a few times,” said Mask Puppet.

 

“Well, I shall give you a chance,” said Glasses Puppet. “Do you know the Long Cat crystal?”

 

“I’ve heard about it, yes,” said Mask Puppet.

 

“If you get it for me, I shall grant you infinite power!” exclaimed Glasses Puppet.

 

As the Puppet Master continued rambling, Matt heard a voice over his earpiece.

 

“That’s it,” said Gold. “I’m taking him out.”

 

A suppressed shot rang through the theater, and the Puppet Master immediately flinched to avoid the bullet. With amazing reflexes, the Puppet Master successfully dodged the bullet. Another shot rang out, and the Puppet Master dodged another bullet. However, this time, he picked up the chainsaw lying on the ground in front of him, and with unbelievable strength threw it at Gold’s position. Alvin and Matt dove for cover and pulled out knives.

 

“OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!” Gold’s screams pierced Matt’s earpiece, and Matt quickly turned his headset off. He felt sorry for Gold.

 

“Wait, don’t go!” pleaded the Puppet Master playfully. “I haven’t finished the First Act yet!”

 

He pulled out a pistol and fired it wildly. Then, he quickly disappeared behind the stage curtain.

 

Alvin and Matt ran backstage, pulling out concealed sidearms. The reached a fork in the road.

 

“You take left, I’ll take right!” said Alvin.

 

“Right!” replied Matt.

 

“No, I’ll take right!” said Alvin.

 

“Yeah, I never said I’d take right, right?” asked Matt.

 

“No, I mean, yeah,” said Alvin.

 

Matt frowned.

 

“Wait, so I go right? Or do you go left?”

 

“Who cares, just go!” said Alvin impatiently. He sprinted to the left. Matt moved to the right.

 

Agent Matthew reached the prop room, and began pushing aside creepy puppet heads and other props.

 

“Where are you?” Matt murmured.

 

“Alvin!” he called out. “There’s nobody here-“

 

Suddenly, what Matt thought was a mask amidst lifeless puppets sprang out of the pile of props and began strangling Matt.

 

“Urk! Help!” he yelled.

 

Matt staggered backwards, and sent the Puppet Master crashing into a mirror. The Puppet Master stood up.

 

“Hoohoo!” he laughed gleefully. “How is it that my story did not entertain you? Was it boring? Like Shakespeare? That old weasel bored me out of my SOCKS! Haha, get it? SOCKS?!”

 

Matt punched the Puppet Master in the mask, and the masked mad man flew back into a pile of boxes. Alvin rounded a corner and aimed his handgun.

 

“Alvin!” Matt yelled. “Watch out!”

 

Suddenly, just as Alvin was about to shoot, the Puppet Master kicked Alvin’s arm. Alvin’s aiming careened upward, and he shot Matt instead.

 

“Oooof!” yelled Matt in slow motion as he fell to the ground.

 

Suddenly, everything was muffled, and Matt struggled to stay conscious. He saw Alvin in a bitter struggle against the Puppet Master. It seemed like Alvin was losing, as the Agent had a constipated look on his face. Out of nowhere the Puppet Master revealed a flamethrower nozzle protruding out of his sleeves. Flames shot out of his sleeves, and Alvin was engulfed in flame-

 

----

 

Ubermatthew choked as these memories came back to him. Everybody was silent.

 

“That was a long flashback,” said Howard.

 

“You actually remember all this?” asked Uberdaniel. “I remember nothing. That’s really strange!”

 

“Did Alvin die?” asked Jason.

 

“I don’t know,” said Ubermatthew. “I passed out after Alvin burst into flames, and the Agency never really told me what happened to him.”

 

“That’s awful!” bawled Howard. “Here, have a tissue!”

 

Howard magically conjured up a tissue out of nowhere and handed it to Ubermatthew. The Agent took it.

 

“Hey, can I borrow three dollars?” Hansen piped up. “I’m hungry!”